


Akirakigari

by HappiestCamper



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-08 02:44:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19862218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HappiestCamper/pseuds/HappiestCamper
Summary: Don't read this





	1. Akirakigari

In the beginning, the world is engulfed in light, as it was in the end. For endings and beginnings can sometimes be one and the same. And if you are thinking right now "Gee, that's only about the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard in the history of forever" than either strap in or get out. This story is about the beginning and ending of one of many worlds to have come before us. It is a story of Samsara.

Samsara, the ultimate binding force of the universe, is the one superior to the divine creator God. And God made devils in his image, but the devils were failures and thus were frozen in ice for all eternity. Then God created man in the image of his son, and allowed them to fill the roles of the devils who had come before them. The anger of the devils from how God had treated them unfairly manifested into the icon of the Fallen Angel, Satan. Meanwhile, the age of prosperity god had brought upon mankind had led them towards creating their own icon of peace in the form of Gautama Buddha.

This is a story about when Gautama Buddha finally died.

This story is about hell being reestablished on Earth.

The icy nether regions of Earth had not been strong enough to imprison Satan for long, and soon he called upon his three most trusted warriors to walk the land of humans once again. Demons could walk among humans through a process known as possession, in which that human is stripped of all free will and must obey the demon's commands. It's all very convenient, really.

**RISE, AMON**

A horned beast surfaced from beneath the ice. A mass of muscle and bones, taking hardly any distinct shape of its own. Amon had the most powerful ability of all the demons. He could control life and death in his clutches.

**RISE, GERUMA**

Being of the Earth, this demon had control over the physical manifestation of the planet Earth itself. That being water, of course. Not earth. It's really fucking stupid that the humans would name a planet consisting mostly of water after a general term for ground located above the water. Very selfish, as humans are. This is why Geruma vowed to destroy them.

**RISE, JINMEN**

Jinmen is really useless and dumb. He has no powers. Just forget about him.

_Somewhere else entirely, a dramatic farewell between two lifelong friends is taking place. One will be going on a month-long trip to the Antarctic looking for fossils, and the other will be at home watching Teletubbies with her little brother. Maybe one of these feats sounds significantly more impressive than the other, but do not worry. After all, fossil hunting is sort of tough as well._

The thing that Akira had never been able to work up the courage to tell Miki was that he had always seen them as more than friends. Ever since they were little he had always looked up to her, and she had always found a way to make him smile. That was no easy feat, mind you. Not only was Akira a complete wuss, he made it part of his macho stature to show as little positive emotion as possible. It was just about the only thing even remotely macho that he was capable of.

"Who am I kidding," Akira proclaimed into the top of his tent in the dead of night. "She'd never fall for a guy like me."

"Akira, will you shut up already? We're trying to sleep," came the bellows of his father from the other tent. Great, it seemed like he wouldn't even be able to masturbate in peace for a whole month. Not that the Arctic-level shrinkage would allow him to.

Before the month-long heartbreaking separation from his one true love Miki would finish him off, Akira suddenly and inexplicably found himself resting firmly within the jaws of some incredible beast. To be fair, he did hear the ice below him cracking a bunch, but he had assumed that was normal. If only Akira had been a Geologist, he would know that there was not only ice beneath him, but solid rock as well. Needless to say, what woke up in the crater where the tent had once been could no longer truly be considered Akira.

By the time a search and rescue operation had come to retrieve Akira, his new form had already mutilated every other member of his father's expedition. He appeared no different on a surface level, but if you were to take a look inside you would see that the poor, defenseless Akira everyone had grown accustomed to was no more.

What was being returned to Japan was a monster unlike anything anyone had ever seen before.


	2. Chapter 2

At the police station, Amon tried his hardest to look sad. His family had just died, along with most of his friends (presumably), but he just really didn't give a shit. World conquest hadn't been this boring back during the Middle Ages. Those had been some good times indeed. Dragons and shit. Fun fun fun, none of this waiting around crap that he had to do now. But this was not the Middle Ages. Humans had evolved, and if he was going to infiltrate their ranks he would need a plan that was flawless.

"Someone is here to see you, Mr. Fudo," an officer said.

Now, if someone were to try to pinpoint at what part in this story the universe is doomed to an apocalypse, and I doubt they would ever find a definitive answer, but if they did find a definitive answer it would not surprise me one bit if it were this part. In this part, Amon's entire mind was shattered forever. Split almost exactly in two. He stood up at first out of politeness for his visitors, but as he saw the face of Akira's long-time friend Miki approach him, and as he felt her arms wrap around him and her face bury into his chest, Amon felt something he was never supposed to. It didn't take him long to figure out what it was.

Legends of ghosts returning from the dead to finish unresolved business were not exactly uncommon throughout human mythology. Similarly, because Akira had never confessed his feelings to Miki, her reappearance reignited the fire in his heart even though it and all the rest of him should've died back in the arctic. Now Amon was left to feel the full brunt of what he had only ever heard of in the past. From him. The Fallen Angel had apparently lost the one he loved long ago. Whatever happened to the dude/dudette he was into?

Miki's parents stood before Amon solemnly. "When we heard what had happened, Miki had insisted that we let you stay with us. We couldn't refuse."

Had they at least tried?

Oh boy, life as a devil gets harder every day. Cue sitcom theme music.

_Whenever life has gotten me down_

_You come right on up and turn it around_

_Baby you got me spinning_

_I don't know what to do 'cause girl I'm in love with you!_

Somewhere during a commercial break, Geruma and the other guy nobody gives a shit about were able to reconvene. "Amon has abandoned us," said Geruma, "but I will take care of him. You lay low. In case I don't make it, Xenon will want someone to take Amon's place as destroyer of mankind."

Whatever. Jenpin or whatever his name was would probably just screw it all up anyway.

"Is there a problem, Akira-kun?"

"You've literally been staring at me for over an hour." Akira had done the best to munch down his food without paying attention to much else. He knew that he would never be able to destroy humanity if he became close to some humans, but god dammit if Miki wasn't all sorts of cute and giving him funny feelings way down where.

"Because I like looking at you. Do you want me to look away? I can always blindfold myself so as to never look at you again. Or perhaps you want me to go blind? :(" yes she did actually make that face shut up

"MIKI AND AKIRA SITTING IN A TREE," chanted the hellspawn at the other end of the table. "K.I.S.S.I.N-"

"TARO!" Noel cut the younger brother off. Why did Amon know this man's name as Noel? "Leave them alone. They've both been through a lot, and would probably like some time to figure things out."

Amon would have to figure some other things out, though. While the amount of food the Makimura's offered him for dinner seemed modest to a devil, humans were not biologically created to consume so much food in so few bites. With only a quick "Excuse me," Akira seemed to practically fly towards the Makimura household's washroom.

Great, so not only was Amon now constipated in his crush's house where he would be living presumably until he got a job and could afford his own place, but he had more or less instantly failed in his mission as destroyer of humanity. And the Makimuras would have to all be insane to not find his behavior at least a little suspicious. He pulled down his pants looking for some form of salvation between his legs. It wasn't demon length, but for a human it was not too shabby. "Geruma, why are you in the toilet?"

"You betrayed us, Amon," the water demon said from the depths of the holy water basin. "Even before we left, everyone knew you wanted to betray the demon lord Xenon and overthrow Satan himself, leaving the world in your grasp. You killed everyone in the Antarctic so we wouldn't have anyone to possess, to keep us away from the human world, but we're relentless. And you? You fucked up bad, man. You picked the one person in the entire camp who has the capability of overthrowing a possessing spirit and regaining control of his body."

"How the heck do you know anything about that?" Amon asked in a not-so-polite tone of voice.

"It's written all over your face. So who is it? That girl Miki? Why don't you just fuck her and get it over with? You've got the tools. Just do it right there in front of the whole family. Pin her down on top of the dining room table, tear her clothes off, and make sweet sweet love all you want. No big deal!"

"No, it's not that," Amon said. "You know nothing."

Geruma wasn't letting up, though. "You know how many times I've seen her pussy today? It looks so soft, the way those streams of piss squirt out and land in my face. I thought about launching right back up into her and giving her a good old surprise, but I figured it would be best to wait until you showed. Man, when you see her hairy pussy you'll want nothing more than to just ram right into her, I tell you! That's how we'll get old Amon back to his normal self!"

"SHUT UP!" hollered Akira.

"She touches herself down there, you know? She did it this morning. Know whose name she shouts out? 'Oh, Ryo! Fuck me harder, Ryo!' Not you. Some other dude who calls himself Ryo. How fucking tragic, man. You're better off just decapitating the fuck out of her and skullfucking her in front of her whole goddamn family, and also in front of this Ryo douchebag, whoever that is."

"Open wide."

"Wha-" and before Geruma could react, a giant stream of shit flew down his throat at 100 mph. The shit was that of a demon who had spent his days feasting on other demons, something everyone thought was just a rumor. If Geruma could send a message to his fellow demons at that moment, it would be something to the effect of **RETREAT YOU STINKY MOTHERFUCKERS**.

One massive two-ply wipe and a wash of the hands and comb of the hair later, Akira was out of the bathroom good as new. He found a visitor in the form of Taro waiting outside the door in anticipation. "You don't want to go in there," Akira said. Actually, it was more like Amon doing his best Akira impression. "I just dropped a massive log and it'll be stinking up the whole house if we don't grab some air freshener right now."

"But that's exactly what I want," Taro explained. "I feed on feces."

Akira thought about it for a little while. "Well, if you want to eat something completely putrid that came from a dirty hole, why not just eat your vegetables?"

"Gee, I never thought of that! You're so smart, Akira!"

 _Amon, Lord of War, Beast of Hell. Makes kids eat_ vegetables.

He winks at the camera for that badass freezeframe.


End file.
